Once upon a time in a place overrun with monkeys, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10.00 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10.00 and as supply started to diminish, they became harder to catch, so the villagers stopped their effort.

The man then announced that he would now pay $20.00 for each one. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. But soon the supply diminished even further and they were ever harder to catch, so people started going back to their farms and forgot about monkey catching.

The man increased his price to $25.00 each and the supply of monkeys became so sparse that it was an effort to even see a monkey, much less catch one. The man now announced that he would buy monkeys for $50.00! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.

While the man was away the assistant told the villagers. Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has bought. I will sell them to you at $35.00 each and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50.00 each! The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant again and once more there were monkeys everywhere.

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS

• CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
• CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
• BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
• BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
• VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
• P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
• BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
• STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
• STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
• STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
• FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
• MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
• CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
• YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240.00 per share.
• WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240.00 per share.
• INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
• PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.